Yesterday at work I got a message about death of colleague from foundation. She was just 4 years older than me, definitely too young to die.
Yet still, it has happened.
I can’t even imagine what her family is going through.
Recently she came to Kraków for a meeting with other volunteers, I didn’t go, thinking that there will still be time and plenty of occasions, the ‘next time’ we, people excuse ourselves with.
What if there’s no next time for anything or everything in our lives..?
…some of which are quite unexpected – wordpress has kindly reminded me about starting my activity 10 years ago…
When starting, I’ve been in a dark place. Big part of my 500+ posts contained sentences about being overwhelmed.
Nobody said life’s going to be easy… Yet I did it – survived, learned to appreciate life, found value in myself, met great people. I’ve also lost – some trust in people, opportunities, family members.
***
It’s been 2 years since grandma’s death. I still didn’t listen to recordings I’ve secretly made, when she was telling her youth stories…
Even thinking about it makes tears appear in my eyes.
Aunt had her 70th birthday recently, she is the oldest daughter of grandma.
Things would look different if she was still alive… We would be sitting in the kitchen together, as always, from time to time she would start telling stories, most likely those, we have already heard few times… Aunt would serve cold white fruit-flavoured wine (the too sweet one, as for my standards).
***
Year after year I take photos, my archives have grown big (even remembering that I’ve lost files from few years). It’s fascinating and surprising to see how long ago some pictures have been taken.
Maybe in few years I’ll think about yesterday’s walk, during which below picture has been taken (or it will be forgotten, as many other afternoons like this).
Memory is a fascinating thing…
Pain-in-the-ass project at work has been postponed due to complains of my team (and all materials and calculations I’ve prepared). I started feeling better after it has been announced.
Which means, I take my job too seriously.
Would be good to slow down and not care that much.
***
Going to take part in stained-glass windows making workshops tomorrow.
So happy about that!
***
Next Friday I’ll be in Vienna. Hoping to have a nice time there 🙂
Past weeks have been filled with a lot of work. I think I need a break for a while, feeling exhausted.
With kind of a deadline we have until this Friday, seems like I’ll get some rest soon.
***
Today I felt sad, nothing gave me joy.
Maybe tomorrow it gets better…
Despite a meeting which will surely cause some stress.
I wish I had resigned from working for corporation long time ago…
***
Past two weeks have been filled mostly with work. Because of some changes slowing us down, I worked long hours, to make at least some things ready to process later during the year.
My future self will be grateful for that effort.
Current me is exhausted.
I’d need additional day off before Monday… Luckily today I’m doing almost nothing and loading my batteries…
***
Yesterday I’ve spent lovely day with friends, celebrating birthday of one of them.
I came up with idea for hand made gift – an album for pictures, we’ve made it from scratch, and it looks really nice.
I’m kind of proud of that piece 😀
***
Had some problems recently, but past events made me strong. I don’t care about hardships.
I’ll just enjoy the warm wind on my face. As I did few days ago, during the walk around the city.
Past experiences were lessons, and I’ve learned something…
Time is running like a crazy srpinter. It feels like last Friday was yesterday.
At work I’ve had really intensive time, hopefully it gets better in February, but from March onwards I’ll probably be drowning in using some inefficient new solution, but standarized across countries, which seem to be the only benefit that decision makers from some abroad teams were interested in. The local management started to hear us – the unimportant crew, but it didn’t change anything.
There are also some other absurd stories that made me feel like a leap closer to burnout.
***
For now, I stay with as-is extent of my work agreements but with the first hint of some changes planned I try not to plan too far ahead…
Well, I didn’t plan to stay in the company for more than the initial 3-months agreement.
In 2 weeks I’ll have my 10th anniversary of working for them.
That was surprising.
***
In the choir we’re progressing with new material. We’ve had the first small concert this year. Because of a friend’s illness I took his solo day bofore the concert, screw it three times, first I felt I started wrong, so asked to start again after few words. Next I forgot a line of the lyrics. Audience still wanted an encore of that song… I stuck in the very same moment. These words, which I know were there simpy disappeared.
Humbling reminder that I also have my limits.
Funny thing is, that part i forgot twice was “no one will love you as you are”.
Would be kind to myself to try to explain it as a sign.
Of some sort, not sure of what exactly…
***
Been to opera with one friend, cinema with another. Planned a trip to concert to Vienna with some sightseeing.
Trying to make this year good after all.
Hoping to succeed.
So, before I went to meet my friend and attend a rehearsal I took a combo test for covid, RSV and flu. I felt good already, but wanted to make sure if it’s really good and safe for others.
Turned out it’s not.
I was so upset…
***
I stayed home and finished so-called impossible puzzle.
And worked a lot, as it’s January again and just like in the past 7 years, I’m preparing some big piece of configuration work in SAP for the whole year.
But even in this situation I’m able to find positives. Friend gave me jar for good things of 2024, I write one thing daily and put it over there.
Should be fun to open it and read in a year 🙂
New year, old me, old results while doing things xD
Welcome to 2024, best wishes for you all!
***
Dating disaster 1/2024
This one went pretty fast. From a mutual click and writing for hours daily, to being ghosted today morning, before our first meeting in person.
I felt a little bit unwell, so I’ve sent him a message, that I can feel my throat is sore, but I still want to meet him, yet it’s his decision if we make it today or not.
He blocked me without sending any response.
Which is, actually a response itself.
*
But you know, it didn’t hit me hard actually, most likely because we didn’t meet yet.
It was surprise and disappointment, but nothing new when it comes to grindr/tinder/other shitty app results and me ^^”
***
Work
I probably mentioned a new deal with my client – In July I’ve hired a person the selected, provided additional benefits to my whole team, and didn’t pay me for that until December. I don’t have an agreement for that scope still. The shortcut is to apply for purchase order after each month.
The manager in client’s team has changed, he called me to talk about that deal. He”d probably ‘ll probably end that deal and make me fire that employee, as he’d like to replace her with some other person.
Well, nobody said it would be easy to run a business… Personally I prefer hiring people than dismissing them, but seems like the universe wants me to learn how to have difficult conversations.
Which I avoided for years xD
***
Family
I went to see my family for 2 days, had chance to meet my niece, before she came back to live abroad with her mother… Dad is not feeling well, but of course refuses to go to the doctor.
I went back to Kraków to have that cancelled date. Probably I should have just stayed with them for some more time…
There are still 11 hours of 2023 to go, yet I’ll risk and assume that I’ve survived.
Bravissimo!
Congrats to you all as well! We did it!
***
Some disappointments and irritations have happened since my last post, but let’s move forward and look into the future.
Hopefully brighter one.
***
Been meeting my friends in the past days, I’m glad that we’ve gathered. Sadly one of them caught covid and couldn’t join us this time.
(So it could be worse with finishing 2023, luckily feeling good, at least physically).
***
Ideas for 2024 look promising, let’s see what’s going to fu*k up in the process xD
Past two weeks have been very productive at work. No doubts – approaching deadline has a great influence on me.
***
I started feeling better, it started with hosting an unexpected meeting for my friends (planned host fell ill), and getting back to regular running.
But before that I started to take notes on how do I feel, just like during therapy, and will continue to do so… It gives me a moment to think about the events of the day, see to whom am I grateful and so on… It’s easier for me to process thing when I write about them.
***
This weekend was kind of self-isolated. Yesterday I went running and to get a nice massage, but didn’t react to invitations from grindr nor decided to go to a museum or anywhere, where I could meet other people. Had to regenerate and use me-time with a book and whatever else ; )
***
Year is coming to an end, some highlights of the past months come back to me from time to time.
I’m very happy about some events, activities and experiences.
That’s what I want to remember from 2023.
***
Beautiful winter has arrived, took some pictures while running yesterday.
always uncertain 