On a day like this, sooner or later, i’ll decide to leave this world.
The darkness, which is always there, sometimes grow bigger. It becomes bigger than everything else.
Bigger than my poor and twisted coping mechanisms.
I know i could and should do something, try fighting.
But everything seem so pointless and small. And me so forceless.
I’m living meaningless life. Statistically, i’m somewhere in the middle of it. Achievements (if any) are not worth mentioning. I’m lonely.
Wasting my time.
And as person not believing in afterlife of any kind, it’s even more striking.
I’m wasting the only life i have.
This mood is not kind of turning-thirty-crisis. Since i remember, there were moments like today. As if a thick cloud came to cover me. There’s nowhere to run or hide.
It’s you against your demons and big bad world.
Meditation doesn’t help.
Neither listening to your favourite music, eating, whatever else i came up.
What’s this mood like, you might ask. You can try getting the feeling, listening to the song.
From 5th minute listen as loud as you can.
And from 7:10 even louder.