darkness takes over

On a day like this, sooner or later, i’ll decide to leave this world.

The darkness, which is always there, sometimes grow bigger. It becomes bigger than everything else.

Bigger than my poor and twisted coping mechanisms.

I know i could and should do something, try fighting.

But everything seem so pointless and small. And me so forceless.

I’m living meaningless life. Statistically, i’m somewhere in the middle of it. Achievements (if any) are not worth mentioning. I’m lonely.

Wasting my time.

And as person not believing in afterlife of any kind, it’s even more striking.

I’m wasting the only life i have.

***

This mood is not kind of turning-thirty-crisis. Since i remember, there were moments like today. As if a thick cloud came to cover me. There’s nowhere to run or hide.

It’s you against your demons and big bad world.

Meditation doesn’t help.

Neither listening to your favourite music, eating, whatever else i came up.

***

What’s this mood like, you might ask. You can try getting the feeling, listening to the song.

From 5th minute listen as loud as you can.

And from 7:10 even louder.

about madness and other things a.k.a. news from Poland

Liquor is almost over.

Luckily, i took quite nice photo of it 😉

I’ll definitely have to try making it again, with slightly modified recipe.

But planning another based on fruits first. Or black elderberry flowers with lemon, which is gorgeous. It should blossom in 1-2 weeks.

***

Is it only me, or you also overanalyse sitting at home?

Thinking of my mistakes and searching for further mental issues i have, reading about psychology.

***

Browsing job offers.

No ‘match’ found…

***

Update about country i’m living in.

Famous rock artist made song related to political arrogance of government (mentioned in my post over here ). He criticizes them for celebration during strict lockdown.

People voted for that song, making it number one in public radio’s chart. Public means, government people were installed to rule there.

The radio “Trójka” (which used to be independent and representing really high level), after being taken over lowered its standards. Yet still some people with passion, doing good things stayed there.

It has music chart, ran by a legend of this radio and polish journalists.

Boss of the station decided to play a censor. Website has been modified to show an error in chart for that day (highlighted by some people in social media).

Journalist leading the audition quit the job. He was always far from politics, but things escalated. Government-related journalists blame him, throwing false accusations of him collaborating with communist government in previous era, that has ended 31 years ago.

A lot of journalists left the radio after him, artists asked to stop playing their songs there.

That’s madness.

It’s called Poland.

***

Another great news: Poland took  the shameful 1st place in EU’s for being the most homophobic country, according to Rainbow Europe ranking by ILGA.

***

How not to drink here, really?

Being sober is not good for one’s mind.

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confessions of liquor producer

Really enjoying reading of Sculptor’s daughter by Tove Jansson.

***

Yesterday i’ve started with some excercise, shower, and spent a really nice, productive day. Some tidying up, rearrangment of furniture (to have plain background for video calls), long walk with some shopping, cooking, longer walk in the evening.

***

Point cooking mentioned above, included preparing a liquor. It’s my second try with pineapple with vanilla, cloves, lemon and honey. This time there’s less lemon, that took over the first version, and no cinnamon. This time it’s on vodka with spirit, instead of rum. My guests and i really liked the first version, hope that my new product will keep the high quality.

Filtering (and first chance to taste) in three weeks.

I’m slowly going to the bottom of my planned-to-be-gingerbread liquor, but cinnamon took it over.

Maybe some of it survives to be mixed with new pineapple product.

But chances are shrinking with each cold evening…

There’s also one bottled, as a gift for my friend.

Due to current conditions, we’ve cancelled our march meeting (and couldn’t enjoy ourselves).

It’s now waiting bottled, work in progress photo attached.

***

After making ant crisis less painful, another thing has shown up.

Small spot of mold.

Life is a constant battle…

nalew

short update (before i go out)

My yesterday’s menu was kind of yeast pancake with hot tomato sauce with lentils and herbs, accompanied by beetroot in garlic sauce with herbs, served on arugula.

And i must say, i really enjoyed that.

Maybe i should be a food blogger (and quit my current job)?

I like cooking very much. And thanks to my mom and grandmother, i tried early, so experience level is fair.

***

Have a nice weekend!

papu

long weekend and worrying facts

Yesterday and the day before were free. Thanks to bank holiday and additional day off from my company. How lovely!

Had a walk, done shopping and cooking, finished reading a book, started another one, browsed too much of the internet.

But there are also some worrying facts:

I ate remaining supplies of chocolate, came very close to the bottom of peanut butter jar (I guess it comes under definition of addiction already).

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Yesterday evening discovery was, that my flat has another flaw.

Ants came in to settle down. The problem is, that people who put tiles in my toilet did it wrong. There are cracks on and between them, under a sink and near the window there are rift zones. One of them has been chosen for ant colony, which didn’t make me happy.

First i just put them outside, but then i noticed a swarm in the crack. Sorry ladies, but agreements states clearly – i can’t accept subtenants.

Tried to repel them with vinegar, applying it to areas around that goddamn crack, and some inside.

Today it’s less of them in the visible part, but some try to explore my toilet further from the window. I took these scouts out and applied more vinegar.

As you can guess, smell in the house is just splendid.

I’ll become a pickle.

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Take a look.

Brave small scout wanders tiles near my window, ignoring patches of dried vinegar, in the reflected green light of my flower-stealing-neighbor garden. In the bottom, an evil rift is visible with an edge of a wall tile.

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