On the day before yesterday I’ve seen them both – current crush and ex.
The day was quite nice until late evening, when the ex called. He asked me to come, because of feeling unwell.
I wasn’t very eager to come, but packed some stuff, company laptop and went to his place. For the first time in my life I’ve seen someone having panic attack. I wondered if it’s not another trick of him, but first wave left him covered in cold sweat.
SOS meditation for panic helped him to calm down a bit, but rest of the night was still hard.
Recent nights left me with a discovery – it’s harder to recover after sleepless night than 10 years ago. Today I was still affected by that…
Last week was full of events, there was no time to write anything. I took two days off for today and tomorrow.
Today was a shopping time – in the morning some food and laurel in a pot (gimme MOAR plants!), finally got some clay and other stuff for pottery making… Mostly because I’d like to prepare a nice gift for Him (and his birthday is on 27th of March). Hoping to make something nice enough…
Surprise number one: country director called me to ask about reason of my decision to leave the company. She told that my decision troubled her, and that she’s open to a longer conversation about it, if I need any.
I know that I’m doing good job, but that was unexpected. Just like her offer to recommend me to some other role, if such changes make a difference to me in terms of staying.
For a moment, the feeling of ‘how nice it was’ made me wonder, but thinking about it a day or two after brought some arguments for staying with what I decided earlier.
Surprise number two:
An old-time friend (mentioned in this post: surprises) wrote that she has a brain tumor, probably a benign one, but still. It made me worried. I hope it’s not serious, and can be removed easily…
Drama was (traditionally) involving my ex. After more than a month not seeing each other (result of our previous argument), I hoped there won’t be any reason for argument nor meeting.
He started writing things I considered to be passive aggression, showing too much interest in my life. In one message he called me mr from facebook (which made me puzzled, as I don’t publish anything on my social media). I decided to write him the truth, he was searching for. Set a boundary and keep it.
I wrote, that if he wants truth, that’s the time he gets it – i’m leaving a company and started dating someone.
He then wrote that all he was writing was a joke (like always). Some time after that he wrote that he’s leaving a letter and won’t be alive in a day or two.
I called him, emotional rollercoaster started. I went to visit him after work…
This time he didn’t do anything to himself.
At certain level I’d really like him to disappear, no matter how. Yet, on the other hand, I’d like him to be happy (with someone else).
This relation is like a very long shadow…
But here comes the ray of light – weekend was really nice, the trip we were postponing finally took place, we’ve spent time walking, playing board games and observing or playing with our friend’s cat. It’s a pity she lives soo far away!
Friend came for a coffe during the weekend, in two weeks (if covid restrictions allow), our group is going to visit another friend living in the east. We were planning this visit some time ago, but some health problems made it impossible for two of us.
Would be good to finally go there and meet!
I started reading Jaroslav Hašek’s stories about good soldier Švejk it’s so true (and funny).
My feeling is that army and corporations work similarly… Strong hierarchy, avoiding taking decisions, people on top of decision chain have no clue about reality.
Speaking of corporations – seeing amount I could get by leaving the company voluntarily made my heart warm.
The only question marks are: if guy i’m replacing coming back this quarter, as initially planned?
Will they let me go?
But I’m hoping for the best!
I just realized that February marks 7 years anniversary of working there 😮
Today He asked if I could come in the afternoon, as he has a ‘serious topic’ not to be discussed texting.
I counted on some casual scrabble invitation, but we don’t usually get what we’re expecting anyway… Will see what’s this about.
Interesting thing is, that after our last meeting my mind went back to a peaceful mode again. Which is really nice.
For some reason there’s a lot of hope in me (still).
Judging by how i react to periods of silence in our conversation, i became crazy about this guy. We’ve just had a spontaneous walk together, when it turned out we’re going to the same area of the city. It made me feel so-very-good.
I took him to my befriended confectionery, because we were near. We’ve had a nice conversation with the owner’s mother and rest of the staff.
He promised the next scrabble meeting (i lost the first encounter).
But these 10 days from our previous meeting were really exhausting. Mostly (but not only) because of my job.
Days of working 12 hours were back, plus working weekend in between. He was not responding, or seemed not interested in a meeting, few days were just working very long and going to bed, that was just too much.
Expression of interest in leaving my company starts on Monday. And i’m thinking about it a lot.
Situation around is far from perfect, but on the other hand, that’s a fair amount of money…
Anyway, will have to think and count some more time.
Past two weeks were active culinary. I baked banana bread, which was meant to be shared with him (but as stated above, he didn’t come), turned out to be delicious and i ate it from A to Z (guilty pleasure).
Another one was a ‘regular’ bread with seeds (below).
And last, but not least, lemon tofu with chilli, served with risotto (also visible below).
Recently conversation with a guy mentioned long time ago became more active (being precise, he was in this post > Today the sky looks different ). After few cancellations I didn’t expect too much… But we’ve had a spontaneous walk on Saturday, which was really nice. He turned out to be really charming, and conversation just had this flow feeling. He liked my carrot cake and promised some of his oat cookies in exchange.
As you could guess by mentioned carrot cake, there’s increased culinary activity going on in my life.
The latest example was baking bread (and some carrots for making a paste, to use the heat more efficiently than just one bread).
I still excercise (since September!), which i wouldn’t expect knowing my weak-will. What’s more, with increased frequency.
Together with meditation it just makes me feel better. I was surprised by my own amount of energy recently.
At work I’ve had a tough week, heavy workload and a bad news about (surprise!) even bigger workload starting before February.
My only hope (since last year) is end of this terrible temporary assignment. In a perfect world I’d have been living normally for three weeks already.
But we’re here and now, so month or two to go. With weekend duty before me.
Friend mentioned two posts ago is still fighting with her boyfriend. We’ve been in contact everyday, and he acts like a jerk before going out to work, but coming back he’s sweet and caring. He sends conflicting messages all the time, that’s driving her crazy.
And I don’t know how to help her, if that’s possible at all.
Winter is almost gone – remaining snow melts quickly… Everything comes back to its normal grey look.
I finished reading M. Cunningham’s Hours again. I almost forgot how good i found it.
But well, it’s been at least 10 years (more like 12 i guess?), since reading it for the first time. I was then in high school, discovering Virginia Woolf, Olga Tokarczuk, Andrzej Szczypiorski (for my final oral exam i’ve made presentation based on their books), Hanna Krall, James Joyce, Milan Kundera (and others i was probably too young to understand fully). Of course, less ambitious things were also on my reading list at this time, but i feel it would be a good time to come back to some books from the A-list soon.
Hope to have enough time for my to-read-shelf and revisiting known things. It’s harder with working weekends, but rearranging some activities would create enough space for it.
Sunday was beautiful, had an absolutely delightful walk.
It felt like in good old times… Just me, camera and the world’s beauty.